How I deal....

I can usually handle a break-up pretty well. usually being the key word.

This time around has been interesting since I saw the other side of breaking-up. I have found myself still going through the same grief cycle and what not.

First thing that's always on my agenda? New shoes. Oh and did these new shoes deliver...please observe:

Hot, no? I am so in love with these gold glitter stilettos. They make me tall, add some pizzaz to any outfit and are just plain AWESOME.

Next thing on my agenda is to immerse myself in crafty projects and hang out with all my friends. Done and done. I finished my sister's wedding gift (a wedding album of everything from their wedding. I am so awesome) and gave it to her this weekend. I hung out with Surfer Boy and other peeps from my ward and basically just had a fun time.

The next thing that usually happens after a break-up is that I begin to miss having a boyfriend but don't necessarily miss the boy I was dating specifically. I am currently in that phase. It is always a hard phase to get out of, but I will persevere. :o) Today I'm doing that by reminding myself of the awesomeness through a few quotes. Enjoy and have a marvelous Martin Luther King Jr. Day (I SO wish I had the day off. :( )

a relief with sadness sandwich

So. I'm currently chowing down on a relief with sadness sandwich. I know, it doesn't sound like the most exciting sandwich in the world, but it is one filled with everything that my mind, heart, and soul need right now.

Last night I broke up with Monkey Man. Sad, I know. But it had to happen. See....things just weren't jiving for me anymore. There's a whole lot of reason to why I broke up with him, but a lot of it is SO personal that I just don't feel comfortable sharing it here. I do know that it was the right thing to do - without a doubt. It was sad to see his face fall when I told him the things I needed to tell him, but he took it graciously and didn't put up a fight. I don't know what I was expecting, maybe more tears? I'm a really hard person to break up with and so I just figured it could quite possibly be like that. Luckily, it wasn't and after I left his house I drove down to see Sister B and her hubby. We talked a bit and finished a puzzle that's been on their table since Thanksgiving. :o)

After I got home I saw this quote twice in two different places within 5 minutes of each other:

While it isn't perfect, I do feel like it describes what I did. The courage that it took to do what I did didn't roar. And here I am tyring again....not in the same way - but I am not going to wallow. I am not going to throw myself a pity party because I KNOW that what I did was right. I KNOW that there are other things out there for me and I KNOW that I'm going to be okay. I just have to keep on trying. And try I will. My dear friend blogged about courage and having to choose between things that are "good" and things that are "best." Not always an easy choice as I have found out. Her words of wisdom rang true to me last night and this I know..... I will try again tomorrow. Until another time my friends, God bless.

Confuzzled

You guys, I am very confuzzled.

This is going to be a post with lots of thoughts that might be incomplete. You might not know the whole story behind all my thoughts. I'm sorry if that's the case, but I feel the need to share with SOMEONE what is going on and I need to get this written out because maybe it will make more sense. Maybe. I make no guarantees. Also, you can feel welcome to post any advice, but don't feel offended if I disregard it entirely. Remember, you might not know the whole story.

Okay, that being said.....

I like Monkey Man. I really do, but I just don't know if I feel anything deeper. I thought I did, I really did. But then....I don't know it's like someone pushed a button and now I'm not really sure I feel that way. Maybe it's because the thrill has worn off a little bit. Maybe it's because I was super duper emotional all last week, plus I had a slew of extra hormones and the stress of a wedding, my teaching job giving me some grief and teaching relief society weighing heavily on my mind.

This past week there have been more times when I have felt impatient and frustrated with Monkey Man then at any other time in our relationship, but the thing is - we haven't been dating for a super long time. 2.5 months. Which compared to my relationship with SwingKid is like a drop in the bucket. Not that I plan on dating someone for a bazillion years before marrying them....but 2.5 months is not a long time. I know that I don't know everything about him and I realized that in the past few days. We treat different situations VERY differently. We have different thought processes on how certain things should work. It's not on anything that is a deal-breaker for me....but how many of those differences can one have before they equal a deal-breaker?

Before you ask, no I haven't talked to Monkey Man about this. For two reasons 1) I'm still not sure what all of my hang-ups are - I just know they are there and that they seem to be really really big. But that just might be my imagination and 2) I'm nervous that it's going to mean breaking up (or something maybe not! but i just don't know) and doing THAT scares me. Monkey Man is the sweetest guy in the whole wide world and I don't want to hurt him. (Plus I've never had to really break up with someone before. I suck at it.) We get along really well...it's just...I'm not sure if he's someone that I want to be with for forever. He's going out of town in two weeks for a weekend and I think that's going to be really good for me. (even though I just was away from him for 9 days for Christmas...it just....was different then. something changed. Seriously, some elf pushed a button.)

I don't even know what I'm asking, or if I'm asking anything. This is one of those battles in love that bugs me. I just don't know what to do, but right now NOTHING feels right. There's a small part of me that wouldn't mind going on dates with other people right now....and I don't know if that's just because I'm confuzzled and I want to run away from the situation - or if it's a sign that it might be time to move one from this phase of my life. The thing is....I know that if I say anything or suggest even the slightest thing is going to completely blindside this poor, sweet boy. sigh. Any wise words my friends? I certainly could use them.

2012's Word of the Year

k guys. I've thought about this a TON. I've struggled to come up with a word. But I finally picked one.

I really loved my word for 2011: Flourish. It was so good to me and really helped me get over some hard things. It also helped me rediscover myself and the strength that I have inside of me.

For 2012, I had a different goal with my word of the year. I didn't want to be stagnant this year. I wanted to learn, grow, and achieve many things that will get me to where I want to be in the long run. Here's the thing though - I've noticed that lately I am SO focused on the END goal that I forget all of the small, short-term goals that will get me to my ending point. I haven't been living in the moment as much as I've wanted - but instead focusing on some point in the distant future. Some point that I don't even know where/when it would happen. That has got to stop. (in my humble opinion) So this year, my word is all about focusing on the NOW and living in the MOMENT while still doing things to get me to where I ultimately want to arrive.

So the Word of the Year for 2012 is....

(drum roll please......)

Occupy

the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Occupy as the following:

1: to engage the attention or energies of 

2a: to take up (a place or extent in space) b: to take or fill (an extent in time)

   

3a: to take or hold possession or control of  b: to fill or perform the functions of

4: to reside in as an owner or tenant 

I plan on doing all of that. I am going to OCCUPY my life. I am going to take control of my life, reside in as THE owner, engage my own attention in said life and fill my life with everything good. This year will be the year of DOING things and not just dreaming or wondering. I am going to enjoy every little moment and try not to freak out when something awful happens that could throw a wrench into my long-term plans. Occupying my life will help me focus on the short-term goals that I have for myself and force me to live day-to-day. so....here goes!!

Top of 2011

okay guys. Here's the deal. Busy is my middle name right now. Part of me loves it and part of me hates it. However, I just don't feel like I can move on and post other things (one of the reasons why I missed Tender Mercy Tuesday yesterday) until I get this out. It just....needs to get done. ;)

So, without further ado, the top 12 posts (one for each month. give or take) of 2011. I hope you enjoy! Stay tuned for 2012's word of the year, a New Year's Eve recap and a few lovely things I've seen lately. see ya on the flip side!

January - What a busy month! I was all over the place, but the thing I remember the most was being brave. :o) What a great way to start off a new year!

February - February always tends to just fly by in my little world. I think part of that is because it is a shorter month (although not by much this year!). I had a few favorite moments from this month, but performing definitely tops the list. Seriously, it was EXACTLY what I needed.

March - Always my favorite month of they year seeing as it hosts my own personal holiday - MY BIRTHDAY! While that's always a highlight in my life, the best thing was definitely the big surprise I had for my sister late in the month. That rocked.

April - Wow, I was really, really busy in April. Ha. I sort of forgot about April MINUS this one little event. :o) Definitely the highlight of my month. ;)

May - May was a good little beginning to my summer of fun in the (non-existent) sun. May was pretty hum-drum but this post pretty much sums up my entire month.


June - I'm pretty sure all hell broke loose in June. I had, hands down, the busiest week of the year that month. Whew. But through-out all the craziness, this little gem popped up.

July - Well....a lot of my summer plans went to pot when I was casted in Aida, but that was one of the funnest things I did during the summer. Add that to the LOADS of confusion from dating multiple people and you have one intense month. Plus I had to host a funeral.

August - This month was, by far, my "bloggiest" month. Meaning, I blogged the most in August. :o) Mostly I think this was because of the 21-day challenge that in which I participated. August was also full of performances and praying I didn't die from sitting.


September - Definitely a month full of me trying to figure out what I wanted in a relationship. That and my self-imposed challenge that has done good things for my life. ;)


October - The most important thing that I remember happening this month was something that has affected my life in a way I didn't think could happen again. :o)


November - November always feels like the beginning of the end to me. Best thing about November? Being twitterpated. (still am btw)


December - Always an insane month around here. Work is crazy, dance is crazy, life is crazy. EVERYONE is CRAZY! Basically, it was a normal month with lots of festivities and what not. :o)

Anyways. 2011 was a rocking year. I definitely feel like I lived up to my word of the year. :o) Have a great day y'all and I'll see you in the VERY near future with loads of THINGS to share with you!!! ciao!