Confuzzled

You guys, I am very confuzzled.

This is going to be a post with lots of thoughts that might be incomplete. You might not know the whole story behind all my thoughts. I'm sorry if that's the case, but I feel the need to share with SOMEONE what is going on and I need to get this written out because maybe it will make more sense. Maybe. I make no guarantees. Also, you can feel welcome to post any advice, but don't feel offended if I disregard it entirely. Remember, you might not know the whole story.

Okay, that being said.....

I like Monkey Man. I really do, but I just don't know if I feel anything deeper. I thought I did, I really did. But then....I don't know it's like someone pushed a button and now I'm not really sure I feel that way. Maybe it's because the thrill has worn off a little bit. Maybe it's because I was super duper emotional all last week, plus I had a slew of extra hormones and the stress of a wedding, my teaching job giving me some grief and teaching relief society weighing heavily on my mind.

This past week there have been more times when I have felt impatient and frustrated with Monkey Man then at any other time in our relationship, but the thing is - we haven't been dating for a super long time. 2.5 months. Which compared to my relationship with SwingKid is like a drop in the bucket. Not that I plan on dating someone for a bazillion years before marrying them....but 2.5 months is not a long time. I know that I don't know everything about him and I realized that in the past few days. We treat different situations VERY differently. We have different thought processes on how certain things should work. It's not on anything that is a deal-breaker for me....but how many of those differences can one have before they equal a deal-breaker?

Before you ask, no I haven't talked to Monkey Man about this. For two reasons 1) I'm still not sure what all of my hang-ups are - I just know they are there and that they seem to be really really big. But that just might be my imagination and 2) I'm nervous that it's going to mean breaking up (or something maybe not! but i just don't know) and doing THAT scares me. Monkey Man is the sweetest guy in the whole wide world and I don't want to hurt him. (Plus I've never had to really break up with someone before. I suck at it.) We get along really well...it's just...I'm not sure if he's someone that I want to be with for forever. He's going out of town in two weeks for a weekend and I think that's going to be really good for me. (even though I just was away from him for 9 days for Christmas...it just....was different then. something changed. Seriously, some elf pushed a button.)

I don't even know what I'm asking, or if I'm asking anything. This is one of those battles in love that bugs me. I just don't know what to do, but right now NOTHING feels right. There's a small part of me that wouldn't mind going on dates with other people right now....and I don't know if that's just because I'm confuzzled and I want to run away from the situation - or if it's a sign that it might be time to move one from this phase of my life. The thing is....I know that if I say anything or suggest even the slightest thing is going to completely blindside this poor, sweet boy. sigh. Any wise words my friends? I certainly could use them.

I'm such a girl

in case you didn't know that already. :o)

I was listening to songs on my iPod the other day while working away on stuff. I think I was at work, but I don't really remember at this moment. Anyways, it doesn't really matter because the point is that I was listening to some tunes and the song "Fearless" by Taylor Swift came on. I love me some Taylor Swift. You might hate me because I just said that, but I won't take it back. Her stuff is clean, fun to sing along with, and I can often relate to her lyrics.

Anyways, I was listening to "Fearless" and I realized how much I want to be that way - fearless. In everything I do, but mostly in relationships. I thought I was hunky dory all fine and dandy after SwingKid broke up with me, but I've recently realized that I am in no hurry to get into anything super serious. I want to have a boyfriend - but I want the timing to be right. AND I want him to instill certain feelings in my heart and soul. I want to feel like I can do anything when I am with him. I want to be...dare I say it? FEARLESS.

There's somethin' 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow off the pavement, you walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot, yeah

We're drivin' down the road, I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool, run your hands through your hair
Absent-mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

So baby drive slow 'til we run out of road
In this one horse town, I wanna stay right here
In this passenger seat, you put your eyes on me
In this moment, now capture it, remember it

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

Well, you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake, I'm not usually this way
But you pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin'
It's fearless

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless 

So, basically, I'm just a girl who wants to feel breathless, excited, and fearless around the man of her dreams. Have I met the man of my dreams? I have no idea. It's quite possible I have. At the same time, he could still be out there, waiting for me. I'm in no rush to run off and get married. While I'd love for it to happen to me, I know that I am exactly where I need to be in my life. I'm not supposed to be married right now. I have other responsibilities and tasks that I must complete first. So for right now, I'm just going to keep on doing what I do, enjoying and LIVING my life the way I like to live it until the right man can get me to dance in the storm, in my best dress.

yeah, I'm a girl...and proud of it!

Thursday Things

Hi dear internet friends! Are you having a good week? I sure am! I love short work weeks, they make my heart oh so happy. I have wonderful things happening this weekend and I am just super excited to do all these wonderful things. Here's a few "things" to get you through the end of the week and into the weekend!

• someone (I'm not remembering who right now) shared this article with me on Why You're Not Married. I liked it. A lot. Also, I agreed with a lot of what the author had to say. Go read it. :o)

• I have a date with Tron on Saturday. I'm not sure of our plans yet, I expect to hear from him either today or tomorrow. :o)

• Don't laugh, but I'm playing a D&D-esque game with my roommate, her ex-boyfriend, The Australian and another dude starting tomorrow night. I know nothing of what I'm getting myself into, but everyone tells me I will have fun. We'll see, I guess. My character is a cross between Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Scarlett O'Hara. I'm sort of excited to see how it all works out.

• I get to go shopping with Amber this weekend. I'm rather excited to hang out with her. :o) She's awesome.

• It is supposed to snow this weekend. I'm not going to lie, I'm sort of excited about it. I haven't gotten to play in any snow this winter (timing of storms has not worked out w/me being in Utah) and last year I didn't play in the snow AT ALL because of my knee. I REALLY want to play in the snow SO BAD!

• My mouth is still sore from the dentist earlier this week. Mostly it's just my jaw that is sore from having to keep my mouth open for so many hours. I hate the dentist.

• Tomorrow is going to be full of awesome being my day off and all. I have several plans including going to the temple, eating lunch with a friend and maybe even getting a massage! :o) Yay for days off!

• I've been planning my birthday party and it is going to be AWESOME. I'll be sure to post about it after the fact.

I think that's about it...hopefully things go as well as I hope they will. Have a great day y'all!!

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