Tender Mercy Tuesday: 60th Edition

Hello dearest internet friends.

I know some of you probably remember my post from last week. Today I want to explain some of the statements - because now I can.

from last week's post:

I need... to stay calm
I hate... having to keep secrets from certain people in my life. But some people can't know what's going on yet.
I hurt... knowing that I'm going to break some people's hearts this week.
I hope... that everyone can be understanding when certain things come to light...

These four statements brought some concern from some of my friends. I know this, because they reached out to me about it. I am SO GRATEFUL to have so many great people in my life that are concerned for my well-being when I post passive-aggressively. :o)

rest assured that everything is okay. I announced on Saturday that this year is my last year at AofB - the studio I trained at and have been teaching at for years. This studio gave me my first teaching job and my first opportunity to work with a company - BU2. I have loved teaching and I have loved my girls. However, do to certain circumstances both in my personal life and with things that have happened the past couple of years at the studio I have come to terms that it is time for me to move on. I won't be teaching at AofB next year, and while it's hard - it is the BEST thing for me hands down.

Now for my Tender Mercy Tuesday thought that directly relates to the things above. A whole lot of dramatic crap happened yesterday at dress rehearsal. So much so that I was extremely frustrated with certain people (still am actually) and very emotional that by the time I got to Soldier Boy's place I had been crying for a good 15 minutes. This is where my tender mercy comes in - I have been blessed with a man who is so extremely understanding. Soldier Boy held me while I cried and then helped me take out my frustrations on a soda pop can with a revolver. (granted, we had planned on going shooting before all this went down, but still) I am so glad that I have been given someone who understands what I am going through and stands up for me and my feelings. Seriously, my boyfriend is a rockstar.

And that my friends, is all. I hope your Tuesday evening is fantastic, as for me and my evening - I get to spend it with my boyfriend - halleluiah. 

feelings on a Tuesday afternoon

this meme/idea stolen from the lovely Rasha over at and this is what She said.....

I feel... anxious

I want... for all the puzzle pieces to fall into place
I need... to stay calm
I wish... I could know when everything was going to happen. I like knowing the "when" of things.
I watched... my favorite tv show with Soldier Boy last night.
I am... trying to be patient. I'm not sure it's working.

I love... Soldier Boy. He is currently my rock when it comes to all the coming changes. He is so strong and wonderful to me.
I hate... having to keep secrets from certain people in my life. But some people can't know what's going on yet.
I hurt... knowing that I'm going to break some people's hearts this week.
I hope... that everyone can be understanding when certain things come to light...

What are you feeling?

 

p.s. I promise that I haven't forgotten about Tender Mercy Tuesday. I have been feeling a little off lately and haven't felt like I had things to share. I am going to start taking time to reevaluate what I have been blessed with in my life. I know it is important to share these things. Watch for a new Tender Mercy Tuesday post next week!

Confuzzled

You guys, I am very confuzzled.

This is going to be a post with lots of thoughts that might be incomplete. You might not know the whole story behind all my thoughts. I'm sorry if that's the case, but I feel the need to share with SOMEONE what is going on and I need to get this written out because maybe it will make more sense. Maybe. I make no guarantees. Also, you can feel welcome to post any advice, but don't feel offended if I disregard it entirely. Remember, you might not know the whole story.

Okay, that being said.....

I like Monkey Man. I really do, but I just don't know if I feel anything deeper. I thought I did, I really did. But then....I don't know it's like someone pushed a button and now I'm not really sure I feel that way. Maybe it's because the thrill has worn off a little bit. Maybe it's because I was super duper emotional all last week, plus I had a slew of extra hormones and the stress of a wedding, my teaching job giving me some grief and teaching relief society weighing heavily on my mind.

This past week there have been more times when I have felt impatient and frustrated with Monkey Man then at any other time in our relationship, but the thing is - we haven't been dating for a super long time. 2.5 months. Which compared to my relationship with SwingKid is like a drop in the bucket. Not that I plan on dating someone for a bazillion years before marrying them....but 2.5 months is not a long time. I know that I don't know everything about him and I realized that in the past few days. We treat different situations VERY differently. We have different thought processes on how certain things should work. It's not on anything that is a deal-breaker for me....but how many of those differences can one have before they equal a deal-breaker?

Before you ask, no I haven't talked to Monkey Man about this. For two reasons 1) I'm still not sure what all of my hang-ups are - I just know they are there and that they seem to be really really big. But that just might be my imagination and 2) I'm nervous that it's going to mean breaking up (or something maybe not! but i just don't know) and doing THAT scares me. Monkey Man is the sweetest guy in the whole wide world and I don't want to hurt him. (Plus I've never had to really break up with someone before. I suck at it.) We get along really well...it's just...I'm not sure if he's someone that I want to be with for forever. He's going out of town in two weeks for a weekend and I think that's going to be really good for me. (even though I just was away from him for 9 days for Christmas...it just....was different then. something changed. Seriously, some elf pushed a button.)

I don't even know what I'm asking, or if I'm asking anything. This is one of those battles in love that bugs me. I just don't know what to do, but right now NOTHING feels right. There's a small part of me that wouldn't mind going on dates with other people right now....and I don't know if that's just because I'm confuzzled and I want to run away from the situation - or if it's a sign that it might be time to move one from this phase of my life. The thing is....I know that if I say anything or suggest even the slightest thing is going to completely blindside this poor, sweet boy. sigh. Any wise words my friends? I certainly could use them.